How to Not Be An Idiot

It is not the smartest thing that I've done: composing a blog entry on a weekday night, when I have my alarm set for 5 am and my son will be up at 1 am to unnecessarily suckle at my teat (he's almost 1; the jig is up). So, the irony surrounding this entry's topic of how to not be an idiot is quite delicious. Let me educate you on this topic from my personal first-hand experience, as well as that of others. Because I know you don't want to be an idiot.

How to Not Be An Idiot

• Speak and Write English CORRECTLY - This is the number one way to not be an idiot. Even seemingly smart people can look moronic by confusing "your" with "you're". Other popular offenses include incorrect use of "its" vs "it's", the baffling three-way puzzler of "there", "their" and "they're", saying that you "seen" something yesterday, when really, you "saw" it, and apostrophe misusage that is off the charts (no, I don't want 2 slice's of pizza; I want 2 slices...). If English is your first language, it seems to me that you should have a working knowledge of it past 7th grade.

• Stop Being Oblivious -  Whether you're a pedestrian or a vehicilist, taking a mere second or two to scan an entire area prior to changing directions and cutting someone else off can do wonders. Now this may detract from changing the music on your radio/IPod, or from texting your hot man slice, or even thinking for a millisecond that the world doesn't revolve around you, but I promise it will just be a second. Realizing that others are around you before wildly pulling a cart out at the super market or before moseying out in front of 19 cars that are leaving the parking lot will make you seem much more decent and kind. And not an idiot.
• Traffic Etiquette - You most likely don't have enough room to pull out in front of me on the highway. I'm doing 50. You're doing zero. You suck at math. "Reasonable distance" has become far too subjective and if I have to put on my brakes to keep from rearending you, then it's not reasonable. Of course, you don't know that because once you pulled out, you don't so much as glance at your mirror to see me nearly careen into the back of your Lexus. But that's another reason I'm writing this--Public Service Announcement. Now you know that I'm not honking my horn to say hello. I'm honking to say that you're a dick.
• Know When to Stop - This may fall more under the category of "How to Not Be Annoying", but being annoying is often synonymous with being an idiot. If you've been told you possibly talk too much; if you constantly get shot down for dates because you're creepy; if you consistently bomb when you tell jokes; or you have been put in jail numerous times for the same offense, then you should probably stop. Stop all of that idiocy. Learn your biggest weakness, whether it's a minor faux pau or an actual crime, and put a cap on it. Really, being annoying is synonymous with being an idiot. My annoying habit? Writing lists about how much I hate stuff.
• Don't Talk Out of Your Butt - You probably don't realize it, but you don't know everything. Disputing every fact that anyone states or randomly giving out information you believe to be correct is not only annoying, but it's really stupid. Nobody likes that. Know-it-all is pretty much a fancy term for idiot. The worst part is that you always think you really are right. There is no arguing for the sake of arguing or simply sharing information. You actually believe with all your heart and mind that you are right about any and every topic. The reality is that people very adamantly disagree with you all the time and very often prove you wrong. For some reason though, you don't get the hint--and no one likes you. Unless you have an actual source to quote or something right in front of you, consider prefacing your stories with "I think..." or "I'm not entirely sure, but I believe" or "I may be wrong, but". You'll be more likable! And less of an idiot.
  
  I am stopping at five entries for fear of seeming too negative and angry. A little bitter sarcasm never hurt anyone! Oh, sure it has, but no time for semantics. The blog entry is ending! Who says entry? I'm so unhip. Well, I hope this has been educational and fun. I know it has been writing it. Peace.
  

Platitudes and Parenthood

 May 8th, 2010. I unceremoniously peed on a stick that Saturday morning. I had received a negative response not even a week before and only took another one to satisfy the skepticism of my family. Without anticipation or eagerness, I routinely held the test out. I expected nothing. However, a mere ten seconds into my wait, the word "PREGNANT" flashed onto the screen. It might as well have said Complete Utter Devastation, but I don't think that would have fit. Shocked and horrified, I ran out to the front yard of my dad and step-mom's house (leaving the toilet unflushed) and, in tears, embraced my family. What about my life? What about what I want to do? Why did this happen? Why me? This isn't fair! As I sobbed uncontrollably, my dad and step-mom stopped setting up their yard sale to comfort me. My dad broke the somber moment: "Is that pee on the stick?"

Some 19 months later, I have the happiest, sweetest, cutest boy and through the tears, messes, diapers, breastfeeding ups and downs, inexplicable screaming fits, and thousands of dollars, I have come out the other side surprisingly okay. Alex will be 1 year old on January 8th and I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Baby's first year is basically like mommy boot camp. I think I survived okay. He's taught me patience, unconditional love, and the joy of simple things. I've taught him peek-a-boo.

As a parent, you give up a lot. I gave up 3 inch pumps, sleeping all night, my own apartment, and sometimes, showering. I wanted to go to school, in addition to working, and live a fulfilling life of travel, philanthropy, writing, and lots and lots of music. I was going to learn Spanish and take guitar lessons. Get my Masters. Move to California. I had a grand to-do list and a child wasn't on it.

Instead of pursuing all these things full force and living a rich, romantic, selfish life, I now look forward to the biggest, most sincere grin of a loving, sweet child at the end of a long day. I cuddle with him at night as we're falling asleep. I see the look of wonder on his face as he learns how to turn the TV on and off. The look of mischief as he races up the stairs, but pauses long enough to see if I've noticed. The intense concentration as he flexes his motor skills. I gave up my dream life, but I wouldn't trade the one I got for anything.

For all you soon-to-be parents and those who want a family some day, it's everything you hear. It's awful and wonderful. You fall in love with them as newborns, you overcome the hard days, you learn a lot along the way. You will hear the same trite expressions over and over. The same words of wisdom will be repeated often. Nothing ever prepares you (that's another one) and sometimes you just have to do what you think is right, not what your mom or the Doctor or the book says. The good thing though is that it's a daily thing. You don't have to learn 18 years worth of knowledge in 9 months of pregnancy. That's also the horrible part. I'm a big "learn it all in advance" kind of person. Read the instructions, figure it out before doing it. Another thing Alex has taught me: spontaneity. Live in the moment. It's better that way. You can't control a child, anyway. You can only guide them.

Well, I've still got about 17 years--and the rest of his life. I still want to purse all the other goals and dreams that I have, but I'm a mom now, and Alex comes first. And that's just the way I like it.

The Will: All About Willpower

"People do not lack strength; they lack will." Victor Hugo

This essentially sums up the entire point I'm about to make. You may be emotionally toughened by life's harsh realities, by many-a trampled heart, by too-soon tragedies, but my friend, your mental fortitude to do or not do something severely lacks. In short, your will power sucks.




In general, the will to do something could be the same as wanting to do something. However, they are technically very different. You may want to have a cleaner house, you may want to stop smoking, you may want to start exercising, but you lack the motivation, the energy, the time. All excuses. What you really lack is the true fervor and inner zest to push yourself beyond the unpleasantness and mental blockades to actually do it. I even use "want" in a loose, slangish sense because I believe that you don't truly want to do any of these things. You feel like you need to; you feel obligated. You want it on some level, but you don't want it the way you want to sit down with a slice of pizza and watch TBS for two and a half hours or the way that you troll facebook until 2 AM.

It is a scientifically-proven fact that humans are lazy, complacent, and love to whine. When we fall into a rut or find ourselves in the all-too familiar patterns of every day existence, the real question, when faced with the possible reality that we must change, is this: do we REALLY want something or do we simply desire it or lust for it in some part of brains, much the way we desire to one day drive a Ferrari, but know we never will.

You understand the benefits of a clean house, of not smoking, of being in shape. You think these things all sound good and picture yourself having a better life because of it. However, you do not think you are in the "right place" in your life to make that change yet, i.e. you do not feel like putting in the effort to further think about it and motivate yourself to actually do it. You are too tired today. You have to think about it more and you'll do that later. You have to do x, y, z first. You are either afraid of change, a huge procrastinator, or just a big ole coward.

Not to judge; I say most of this in light-hearted jest. But the sentiment is still true to a degree, even non-maliciously. People do what they really do want to do, even if that means the bare minimum, mediocre, half-baked life of crap. This is not to say that you suck ass because you don't have a 6 figure job or because you didn't go to college. This is to say you are lame for saying you want to change when you clearly do not.

It starts with the true will to do something. You truly want to change. You are ready to invest the time and energy and mental fortitude into something. If you're not sure or you crumble under the pressure or you keep putting it off, you are too weak at the moment. But if you are fed up with your situation and passionately seek to change, at whatever cost, putting it as your top priority, then you really are ready for a change! But you have to want it on all levels of your subconscious and in all parts of that little brain--not just the unattainable dreams, put-it-off-until-later part.

I've done this a thousand times and I've been through both phases. For instance, I want to clean out the garage and go through my room, to clean out, organize, and get rid of crap. I want it eventually, but I know I'm not ready to. I don't complain about it everyday, whine about it on FB, or berate myself for putting it off. I simply don't want to do it right now, but I do want it. Going to school while trying to work 45 hours a week (or more), raise an infant, and get a decent amount of sleep at night is something I want more than anything. I have the will to do it. No matter what, I have made time for it. Whether or not I'm succeeding is a subjective analysis and should be considered separately, but still, the point is that I have the will to do it.

If you are at a similar place in life where you want to make changes, but you're not quite at that level, ask yourself why you're hesitant. Do you not want to invest the time? Do you not have the resources yet? If you figure out why you can't or don't want to do it at this exact time, figure out what the next step would be (getting a better or second job to save up more money, pay off some debt first, etc). Or you could entirely re-focus your priorities with things that you can accomplish right now--getting up at 6 instead of 8 to work out in the mornings, taking up a hobby or class to supplant your loneliness and boredom, writing in a journal to get in touch with your feelings because you're taking out your repressed bitterness on everyone.

 You don't have to do everything. You don't have to change the world or even change yourself. Nobody said you have to. But if you're feeling in a rut and you whine constantly about all the stuff you need to do, think about what you truly want, not just what you feel you must do. Re-focus your priorities and you will usually figure out what you actually have the will to do. Maybe you should simply focus on getting enough rest and eating right, if you're feeling that stressed out. I've been there--no time for shower or shopping or washing baby's bottles, mama needs to eat a whole meal and go to SLEEP. If you prioritize, it will come. And by it, I mean will. Then things will change.

“Mediocrity is self-inflicted. Genius is self-bestowed.” Walter Russell

Not Every Woman

As Whitney once sang, "I'm Every Woman, It's All in Me". Women have their own opinions, beliefs and choices. They even have rights, apparently. The women's movement that caught fire in the 60s has evolved over the years from an eye-opening event to one of innovation and discovery to a place of acceptance and challenge. Now, it sort of blends into the background. Yeah, we have the choice, the legal rights, and the brains, but we don't use them. 50 years of liberation and women want to use their sexual prowess and feminine wiles to get ahead instead of sheer will and hard work, or worse--they lose sight of any hopes and dreams once they get married and/or knocked up. Yuck.

We could argue that women have barely even made progress--that we still make less money than men, that we still are over-represented in many fields (teacher, therapist, social worker, secretary, nurse) and under-represented in others (coaching jobs, construction, CEO), that there are still sexist undertones in the gender roles of movie and TVs, that Disney and Nickelodean are sending the wrong message to kids. But the real problem here is women themselves.

We don't respect ourselves enough as a collective womanhood. We do not make good choices for ourselves. We do not have self-confidence and we do not not have minds of our own.

Whether we did not have a daddy or did not have a mommy, growing up without the attention and acceptance of one of your parents is bound to screw up a female. It will make her insecure, constantly longing for the affections of a partner and her peers. It will make her want to hide behind makeup and glamorous clothing, try risky things, and generally act out for attention. Parents are extremely crucial to proper development of self-esteem and the psyche. Also, puberty and hormones have been proven to have the same effect. It's just biology, not sexism, that women are more insecure, more emotional, and have more psychological issues. I'll admit I'm guilty of it and that I've witnessed it; to deny otherwise is just foolish, not chauvinist.

These insecurities lead us women to behave like morons. Once we hit 18, we are all over the club scene. Mini-skirts, stilettos, plastered-on cake face. Getting drunk, having sex, smoking, driving recklessly, hanging with the wrong crowd. Our lives briefly mean nothing and we'll pass out anywhere, throw up on anyone, dance on anything, and kiss anybody. Living every weekend like you're part of Motley Crue is not the way to show that you're a confident, smart, ambitious and focused young woman. When you're insecure and seeking the validation of others and, really, yourself, you make poor choices, do stupid, regrettable things with so-called friends, and generally act much more moronic than you are capable of being. It's a waste of brain space to behave like this on a consistent basis. Come on, girls. We're better than this.

The supermodels in magazines, our own gorgeous, but catty peers, and critical bitches at work or in the media make us feel bad about ourselves. If you grew up with someone who always had a comment about your outfit or your hair, then you are twice as likely to feel bad about yourself. But don't push all the blame off on the world just yet. We need to realize, as a group of women, that we are responsible for our actions and our reactions. Someone may have put you down, but you don't have to stay there. Realizing our own self-worth and our own beauty, strengths, and capabilities should be our number one task for feeling good. Do you have beautiful eyes? Do you think you have killer hips? Do your legs have a fantastic shape? Is your smile great? Physically, we all have at least a few desirable traits. We all know that looks do matter and if you feel fat or just plain ugly, then you are going to be down on yourself all the time. However, you can take responsibility of those feelings by focusing on what you do love and how you can change what you don't like.

For instance, I complain about not being at my pre-baby weight. Well, I eat pizza and cake and don't exercise so why would I expect to be at my pre-baby weight? I am going to make a point to do the yoga DVDs in my room or start taking walks with my son. I also have a problem feeling self-conscious about my appearance. Simple solution: oil-control foundation, cheap eyeliner, and mascara. My wardrobe is looking worn-out and outdated, so I am buying a piece or two of apparel every few weeks. I'm taking the steps and taking action. It makes me feel so much better. Complacency and bitching do nothing to change your circumstance!

We women also need to understand how to develop our personalities and opinions. This goes beyond just developing the ability to talk at parties or giving your thoughts on the latest war or American Idol episode. It's about your hobbies, your passions, your goals. What do you want to be defined by? Who are you? What are you good at? Hanging out with friends and doing what they want because you want to be liked is absolutely and completely fine. But letting it become you is not. If you want a degree or you want to be a massage therapist, stay your ass in school. If you want to be a singer, work on your vocals and song-writing abilities. If you want to work at McDonalds for 24 years, then keep smoking pot and drinking every night and living with your mom. This generally goes for everyone, but girls really get caught up in peer-pressure and boyfriends and tend to follow the crowd, ending up wherever they land instead of where they truly want to go. My advice is to pick up a camera and become an amateur photographer; sign up for a blog on Blogger; become a mentor for younger kids; start getting arty with paint or pencil. Do anything and everything to stimulate your mind and your interests--and when you find something, don't let go.

Women lose sight of themselves, and not just in high school. They only want to find a man, settle down, and have kids. Their life's dream is to just get a husband or a baby. They have no thoughts, goals, or passions--their life is just one big unfulfilling crap bag until they have a man to give it meaning. Or a baby. They'd rather do diapers and Elmo and pureed meats than college, careers, or creativity. Which is fine--I'm not knocking a woman who wants to be a housewife. Not the idea in of itself. It's just the idea of a woman who gives up on herself because she shouldn't have to think anymore or be a real human being because she "has a man"...or a kid. Women lose themselves for men and babies, or worse, never develop in the first place. The result is a weak woman and personally, I don't want you representing my gender.

No brains, no thoughts, no personality. It's boring, offensive, and it pisses me off.

Final topic: I know I'm not like every woman. Maybe it's because I had a strong male role model, maybe it's because my grandmother was a stubborn, hard-headed lady and I got those genetics, or maybe it's because I was homeschooled and I'm a little, tiny bit off in the head. Whatever the reason, I'm not a barbie doll clone. I'm not dying for the affection and approval of anyone except myself (and I fail a lot). I can be self-conscious but I'm never insecure and I know exactly my passions, hopes, and dreams. I can fall in with my friends a lot and get lost in the excitement of the moment, but I always come back around to me and I make sure my personality shines regardless. I fell in love once and I'll never lose myself like that again. I don't even know if I want a compromise; I want a man that I can be the man of. Hey, if they can do it and admit it, why can't I? I want to be the Alpha dog! I'm also not changing my last name. At all. No hyphen, no nothing. Because that's my last name, my identity and to compromise half of that is losing the entire battle in my opinion. Why are women so excited to lose their identity and adopt another one? You don't see any man giving his last name up. They don't call that hard-headed, crazy, stupid, or whatever else (words I've been called for it). They call it tradition.

Traditions can kiss my ass. My name is Jessica and I'm the new woman.

I Am A Stairway

Actually, I’m Jessica, to be perfectly literal. Well, to be perfectly literal, I am a homosapien, female, Caucasian, but I digress.

I am a lot of things and honestly I don’t know where to start. I feel like the first sentence or two you use to describe yourself says a lot about you, the most about you, really. And maybe that says a lot about me right there—I want to do things right and those things that I do right mean a lot to me. I’m passionate. I’m also motivated and I have a lot of ambitions. I want to blog and write a column for a living. Eh, make that, as a second job/hobby. What I actually want to do for a living is help the victims of child abuse and prevent new victims. I’m trying to volunteer more in my spare time (wherever that is) for helping those victims. If you love something, do it for free. Similarly, I’m writing this blog and I’m pursuing a few other avenues in regards to writing because I also love doing that, in any format.

Ah, my two big dreams. It’s not an end-goal fulfillment type thing. I should re-define my definition of a dream for you: it’s something I want to live out, continuously. Even as I’m writing this, I am living out that dream. My ongoing, every day desire is to be happy and content. Simple motto: if it makes you happier, do it; if it makes you less happy, don’t do it. Writing and volunteering make me happy. If I don't become a famous blogger or columnist and if I don't own my own child abuse prevention agency, I will still be happy by still being in those industries in some way or another. Another revelation: realizing that everything you do IS your choice, even if you feel that it wasn’t. I’m choosing to work my corporate job because I don’t want all my bills to go to collections, I don’t want my car repo’d, I don’t want my phone shut off! And then there’s my son, who I went two paragraphs without mentioning. I have the most beautiful, precious son. I love him with every piece of my heart, and even though my long-term plan was not to have a child, settle down, and raise a family, I still give him every part of me and want the very best for him because I did fall in love with him and I am going to raise him with love and care like he deserves. Back to my original point, I’m choosing to work a job that isn’t my career choice. I’m choosing to live with my dad, since I am a single mom with absolutely no help of any kind from the baby’s father. I do not define myself as a 23 year old single mom living with her dad. I define myself as a passionate, ambitious career-focused young woman who is dedicated to helping child abuse victims, getting her sociology masters degree, and writing whenever and whatever she can. Sounds better, yes?

I think people are full of excuses. I think people are lazy shits. I think people like to be complacent and/or miserable. I think people are all talk. I admire the stupid CEOs and dumbass executives I worked for, because they did something in their lives to get in that corporate office--made an investment, took a risk, sacrificed something important, spent a lot of time and money on an education and skills-training. And the little slumdog poor folk working for them are just mindless drones—unless you have a big idea or a big passion and realize that your job is just a stepping stone, you are going to get stuck working for the very man that you supposedly hate. That’s not my dream, to live out someone else's! It’s only temporary for me and others may curse those guys, and hell, I do, too, but at the same time I can admire them. We are lucky to live in a damn capitalist society, bad as it can be sometimes, where we actually have the freedom to build our own businesses and become entrepreneurs. As someone who has big goals, I can appreciate that. Funny how the people who work for successful business men will curse their boss, yet they fawn over guys like Steve Jobs and Bill Gates.

I think that my personal destination and my success it totally dependent on me. I have to make it happen, I have to make the effort, I have to take the next step. I don’t want to take the easy way out, take shortcuts, cheat, or do anything else that would not only belittle the value of what I’ve accomplished, but would cheapen the taste of victory. It’s like taking the escalator. Easy way out. I want the real thing. Anything worth having is worth working hard for. I want everything that I’ve dreamed of. I don’t use the word impossible. I really don’t. And I don’t quit or give up if something is too hard. If I want something, I will find a way to get it. If I “stop trying”, it’s because I just don’t like something or don't want it anymore! The beauty of success and of passion is that it’s pure, unadulterated energy and potential. And it really is all inside you. The key though is believing that and staying committed to what you want to achieve.

I believe it. And that’s why I’m taking the stairs.