More Cliches and Why They Suck

I am guilty of cliches, like I said in Part I. I use some of these and sometimes; they can get the message across. But usually, there's a better, more powerful way to say exactly what you mean. We just get in the habit of saying the same old thing and it becomes ineffective.

• Sleepless Nights - This is a legitimate phrase that everyone says, including myself. But let's be honest here: you're almost always exaggerating. Exaggeration and hyperbole are great ways to be theatrical and dramatic sometimes, enhancing your point.. However, if you are telling the mother of a newborn baby that you've had "so many sleepless nights" since you started Chemistry class, you're not going to get much sympathy. I would use it sparingly.
  
• It's going to get better - This phrase sucks when used alone. As a dependent clause though, it can work a little better. If I say it at all, I use it in conjunction with something else: "It's going to get better; you are working on finding another job, you're taking great care of your family. You just need to spend some time by yourself right now." By itself though...not helpful.
  
• You've gotta run before you can walk - This is just illogical and ignorant. Of course you can't run before you walk. You can "hit the ground running", I suppose. So go with that cliche instead. I approve.
  
• Toe the line - Contrary to popular belief, it isn't "tow the line". Because that would make sense. Instead, toe the line means to conform and follow the rules. Be on your best behavior, basically. I think of someone tip-toeing next to a boundary, tempting the possibility of crossing it. In principle, towing the line is still a nice, trite phrase to use, but because of the confusion, I would just say something else all together.
  
• Different day, same ole shit - Different day, same ole cliche. This isn't clever or cool or edgy. For your information.
  
• You catch more flies with honey than vinegar - I would say you catch more flies with disgusting, rotting cheese but whatever. If the metaphor is supposed to be that the flies will literally get stuck in the honey though, that's not very analogous to being nice so that you get niceness in return.
 

• Straight from the horse's mouth - Well, who would believe anything a horse says?
  
• I trust them about as far as I can throw them - Obviously, you're saying that you can't physically throw a person, therefore, you don't trust the person at all. Am I to then conclude that you trust babies since you can physically lift and throw them?
  
• The exception that proves the rule - I have never liked this phrase and don't even understand how an exception can prove a rule. Seems like the very opposite to me. Even when there are exceptions, that's why they are called such--the rule applies to everything EXCEPT this one thing. It doesn't prove the rule though.
  
• It's not written in stone - Yeah, actually, nothing is anymore. At least not for official documenting purposes. I suppose this would be appropriate if you were working on the engraving of a monumental statue.
  
• You've got egg on your face - This is a lame way to say that you did something embarrassing or regretful. It's not descriptive or telling, and does a poor job of conveying the message. Also, I would love to have egg on my face because it's delicious.
  
• No bones about it - Literally, until today, I never knew the actual meaning of this phrase because I've always seen it as a play on words (with a skeleton at halloween or in a documentary about boneless people). Or maybe I have always assumed it's a play on words because it has never made sense to me. The meaning is to not hesitate or to be bold and clear about what you say or do (apparently). It's a stupid way to say that you're being forthright. No one says forthright anymore. Say that instead! That would be anti-cliche.
  
• The buck stops here - Well, what do you know: this phrase means that you are taking responsibility and not making any more excuses. Again, never knew the real meaning because people use it to be an intimidating, aggressive sentiment, like saying "I ain't takin' no more crap". In case you're wondering, it's derived from the term "pass the buck" (pass the blame) in poker and was made famous by President Truman. For sheer failure of usage and lack of clarity, I'm putting this on the list.
  
• Shoot the breeze - I say this, but it's dumb. I know, I know. It's a cool, idiomatic expression to mean "just hanging out". But really, think about it: pure dumbness. Honestly, I say it simply because it does sound cool--I think of two old men, sitting on the front porch, in their rockers, holding a glass of whiskey and reminiscing about the war.
  
  
• Shoot to Thrill - Sorry, AC/DC. This one isn't cool.
  
• It's what's on the inside that counts - Yeah, sure. Is that why you're working out so hard, watching your diet, buying really cute clothes, and wearing makeup?
  
• That's nothing to sneeze at - Am I to deduce from this that there are things worth sneezing about? In all fairness, sneeze is derived from the Old English word "fneosan", which means to sneeze or snort. Thus implying that the possible truer meaning is "nothing to snort at", which makes a little more sense. However, that's not what the phrase's wording is now, so I can't excuse it.


• I'm so hungry I could eat a horse - I have never been this hungry. I know, that's the beauty of hyperbole, but if you're going to exaggerate, how about not using a big, ole, nasty farm animal. How about a house? Thereby removing all doubt that you might be exaggerating.

A Single Woman's Rant on Stupid Girls, Men, and Settling

Proven fact: women are needy, desperate creatures that are completely dependent on having a man in order to function. I find it sad to see girls settling for some douchebag just so they won't be alone. They go from man to man, afraid to be single, unable to comprehend concepts like "self-worth" and "respect". Psh, who needs that when you have the warm indifference of a guy you've been dating for three days? I feel for these girls, but I'm also angry for them. Really? You're going to marry some chump that acts like an ass to you in front of his friends or has nothing interesting to say? "Oh, but he can be sweet." Yes, he can also be a condescending, insensitive, emotionless bastard and he doesn't understand at all what you need.

What does a girl need? Well, let me be the first to say that there are a few basics: personal integrity, honesty, attentiveness, kindness, sensitivity to people's feelings. I would like all these qualities, please, along with a sense of humor, good looks, and the acceptance that we are two equal people (not that I belong in the kitchen). I sometimes think that my standards are too high, but let me tell you something, if you're feeling the same way: they're not. We deserve everything we could want in a man and we shouldn't have to settle for anything less. How come other women don't feel the same? How come they do settle? Are they that afraid to be alone? I wish girls would take more pride in themselves and what they can get in a man. I know they got a good bargain on their model, but there are better values out there.

Why is it so hard? Why are all the good ones taken? Hell, why are the crappy ones taken? I don't know what has perpetuated the cycle of whiney, arrogant man-babies and the hoard of insecure, dependent girls, but it's pissing me off. I'm frustrated when all the guys I'm attracted to reject me and when all the guys who want me don't quite have the chemistry I'm looking for (or x, y, and z, for that matter). Sure, I stick to my principles and never settle, but it's hard not to get down on yourself and feel incredibly lonely.

I see the couples in Barnes and Noble, with their matching thrift store flannel shirts and their edgy hair cuts and Buddy Holly glasses. I see them in Target with their 4 kids and their buggy full of cereal and smug happiness. I see them in Walmart with their pound of pork and their missing teeth, and I think, "why can't I have that?" I want pork love, too.

My main point though is that most women seem to settle. We all knew these girls in high school: high need for attention, always had a boyfriend, totally insecure about their appearance even though they were beautiful. Devastated after each break-up, she found her comfort in the next boyfriend's arm and only feigned confidence while she was on his arm. It's offensive to all of womanhood and those of us who aren't like that.

To those of you who break the mold, kick a lot of ass, and have a mind of your own, I salute you. To those who are insecure, unsure what their opinions are, and in constant need of the love and affection of males, I pity you. I may despise your ways, but really, at the heart of it, you're just a lost, scared, mindless person. I wish I could set you free, but that's your decision, one you likely won't ever make.

For those of us who are changing the face of womanity, let's be an inspiration. Keep on being you, ladies. And don't ever settle!

Not Every Woman

As Whitney once sang, "I'm Every Woman, It's All in Me". Women have their own opinions, beliefs and choices. They even have rights, apparently. The women's movement that caught fire in the 60s has evolved over the years from an eye-opening event to one of innovation and discovery to a place of acceptance and challenge. Now, it sort of blends into the background. Yeah, we have the choice, the legal rights, and the brains, but we don't use them. 50 years of liberation and women want to use their sexual prowess and feminine wiles to get ahead instead of sheer will and hard work, or worse--they lose sight of any hopes and dreams once they get married and/or knocked up. Yuck.

We could argue that women have barely even made progress--that we still make less money than men, that we still are over-represented in many fields (teacher, therapist, social worker, secretary, nurse) and under-represented in others (coaching jobs, construction, CEO), that there are still sexist undertones in the gender roles of movie and TVs, that Disney and Nickelodean are sending the wrong message to kids. But the real problem here is women themselves.

We don't respect ourselves enough as a collective womanhood. We do not make good choices for ourselves. We do not have self-confidence and we do not not have minds of our own.

Whether we did not have a daddy or did not have a mommy, growing up without the attention and acceptance of one of your parents is bound to screw up a female. It will make her insecure, constantly longing for the affections of a partner and her peers. It will make her want to hide behind makeup and glamorous clothing, try risky things, and generally act out for attention. Parents are extremely crucial to proper development of self-esteem and the psyche. Also, puberty and hormones have been proven to have the same effect. It's just biology, not sexism, that women are more insecure, more emotional, and have more psychological issues. I'll admit I'm guilty of it and that I've witnessed it; to deny otherwise is just foolish, not chauvinist.

These insecurities lead us women to behave like morons. Once we hit 18, we are all over the club scene. Mini-skirts, stilettos, plastered-on cake face. Getting drunk, having sex, smoking, driving recklessly, hanging with the wrong crowd. Our lives briefly mean nothing and we'll pass out anywhere, throw up on anyone, dance on anything, and kiss anybody. Living every weekend like you're part of Motley Crue is not the way to show that you're a confident, smart, ambitious and focused young woman. When you're insecure and seeking the validation of others and, really, yourself, you make poor choices, do stupid, regrettable things with so-called friends, and generally act much more moronic than you are capable of being. It's a waste of brain space to behave like this on a consistent basis. Come on, girls. We're better than this.

The supermodels in magazines, our own gorgeous, but catty peers, and critical bitches at work or in the media make us feel bad about ourselves. If you grew up with someone who always had a comment about your outfit or your hair, then you are twice as likely to feel bad about yourself. But don't push all the blame off on the world just yet. We need to realize, as a group of women, that we are responsible for our actions and our reactions. Someone may have put you down, but you don't have to stay there. Realizing our own self-worth and our own beauty, strengths, and capabilities should be our number one task for feeling good. Do you have beautiful eyes? Do you think you have killer hips? Do your legs have a fantastic shape? Is your smile great? Physically, we all have at least a few desirable traits. We all know that looks do matter and if you feel fat or just plain ugly, then you are going to be down on yourself all the time. However, you can take responsibility of those feelings by focusing on what you do love and how you can change what you don't like.

For instance, I complain about not being at my pre-baby weight. Well, I eat pizza and cake and don't exercise so why would I expect to be at my pre-baby weight? I am going to make a point to do the yoga DVDs in my room or start taking walks with my son. I also have a problem feeling self-conscious about my appearance. Simple solution: oil-control foundation, cheap eyeliner, and mascara. My wardrobe is looking worn-out and outdated, so I am buying a piece or two of apparel every few weeks. I'm taking the steps and taking action. It makes me feel so much better. Complacency and bitching do nothing to change your circumstance!

We women also need to understand how to develop our personalities and opinions. This goes beyond just developing the ability to talk at parties or giving your thoughts on the latest war or American Idol episode. It's about your hobbies, your passions, your goals. What do you want to be defined by? Who are you? What are you good at? Hanging out with friends and doing what they want because you want to be liked is absolutely and completely fine. But letting it become you is not. If you want a degree or you want to be a massage therapist, stay your ass in school. If you want to be a singer, work on your vocals and song-writing abilities. If you want to work at McDonalds for 24 years, then keep smoking pot and drinking every night and living with your mom. This generally goes for everyone, but girls really get caught up in peer-pressure and boyfriends and tend to follow the crowd, ending up wherever they land instead of where they truly want to go. My advice is to pick up a camera and become an amateur photographer; sign up for a blog on Blogger; become a mentor for younger kids; start getting arty with paint or pencil. Do anything and everything to stimulate your mind and your interests--and when you find something, don't let go.

Women lose sight of themselves, and not just in high school. They only want to find a man, settle down, and have kids. Their life's dream is to just get a husband or a baby. They have no thoughts, goals, or passions--their life is just one big unfulfilling crap bag until they have a man to give it meaning. Or a baby. They'd rather do diapers and Elmo and pureed meats than college, careers, or creativity. Which is fine--I'm not knocking a woman who wants to be a housewife. Not the idea in of itself. It's just the idea of a woman who gives up on herself because she shouldn't have to think anymore or be a real human being because she "has a man"...or a kid. Women lose themselves for men and babies, or worse, never develop in the first place. The result is a weak woman and personally, I don't want you representing my gender.

No brains, no thoughts, no personality. It's boring, offensive, and it pisses me off.

Final topic: I know I'm not like every woman. Maybe it's because I had a strong male role model, maybe it's because my grandmother was a stubborn, hard-headed lady and I got those genetics, or maybe it's because I was homeschooled and I'm a little, tiny bit off in the head. Whatever the reason, I'm not a barbie doll clone. I'm not dying for the affection and approval of anyone except myself (and I fail a lot). I can be self-conscious but I'm never insecure and I know exactly my passions, hopes, and dreams. I can fall in with my friends a lot and get lost in the excitement of the moment, but I always come back around to me and I make sure my personality shines regardless. I fell in love once and I'll never lose myself like that again. I don't even know if I want a compromise; I want a man that I can be the man of. Hey, if they can do it and admit it, why can't I? I want to be the Alpha dog! I'm also not changing my last name. At all. No hyphen, no nothing. Because that's my last name, my identity and to compromise half of that is losing the entire battle in my opinion. Why are women so excited to lose their identity and adopt another one? You don't see any man giving his last name up. They don't call that hard-headed, crazy, stupid, or whatever else (words I've been called for it). They call it tradition.

Traditions can kiss my ass. My name is Jessica and I'm the new woman.