More Cliches and Why They Suck

I am guilty of cliches, like I said in Part I. I use some of these and sometimes; they can get the message across. But usually, there's a better, more powerful way to say exactly what you mean. We just get in the habit of saying the same old thing and it becomes ineffective.

• Sleepless Nights - This is a legitimate phrase that everyone says, including myself. But let's be honest here: you're almost always exaggerating. Exaggeration and hyperbole are great ways to be theatrical and dramatic sometimes, enhancing your point.. However, if you are telling the mother of a newborn baby that you've had "so many sleepless nights" since you started Chemistry class, you're not going to get much sympathy. I would use it sparingly.
  
• It's going to get better - This phrase sucks when used alone. As a dependent clause though, it can work a little better. If I say it at all, I use it in conjunction with something else: "It's going to get better; you are working on finding another job, you're taking great care of your family. You just need to spend some time by yourself right now." By itself though...not helpful.
  
• You've gotta run before you can walk - This is just illogical and ignorant. Of course you can't run before you walk. You can "hit the ground running", I suppose. So go with that cliche instead. I approve.
  
• Toe the line - Contrary to popular belief, it isn't "tow the line". Because that would make sense. Instead, toe the line means to conform and follow the rules. Be on your best behavior, basically. I think of someone tip-toeing next to a boundary, tempting the possibility of crossing it. In principle, towing the line is still a nice, trite phrase to use, but because of the confusion, I would just say something else all together.
  
• Different day, same ole shit - Different day, same ole cliche. This isn't clever or cool or edgy. For your information.
  
• You catch more flies with honey than vinegar - I would say you catch more flies with disgusting, rotting cheese but whatever. If the metaphor is supposed to be that the flies will literally get stuck in the honey though, that's not very analogous to being nice so that you get niceness in return.
 

• Straight from the horse's mouth - Well, who would believe anything a horse says?
  
• I trust them about as far as I can throw them - Obviously, you're saying that you can't physically throw a person, therefore, you don't trust the person at all. Am I to then conclude that you trust babies since you can physically lift and throw them?
  
• The exception that proves the rule - I have never liked this phrase and don't even understand how an exception can prove a rule. Seems like the very opposite to me. Even when there are exceptions, that's why they are called such--the rule applies to everything EXCEPT this one thing. It doesn't prove the rule though.
  
• It's not written in stone - Yeah, actually, nothing is anymore. At least not for official documenting purposes. I suppose this would be appropriate if you were working on the engraving of a monumental statue.
  
• You've got egg on your face - This is a lame way to say that you did something embarrassing or regretful. It's not descriptive or telling, and does a poor job of conveying the message. Also, I would love to have egg on my face because it's delicious.
  
• No bones about it - Literally, until today, I never knew the actual meaning of this phrase because I've always seen it as a play on words (with a skeleton at halloween or in a documentary about boneless people). Or maybe I have always assumed it's a play on words because it has never made sense to me. The meaning is to not hesitate or to be bold and clear about what you say or do (apparently). It's a stupid way to say that you're being forthright. No one says forthright anymore. Say that instead! That would be anti-cliche.
  
• The buck stops here - Well, what do you know: this phrase means that you are taking responsibility and not making any more excuses. Again, never knew the real meaning because people use it to be an intimidating, aggressive sentiment, like saying "I ain't takin' no more crap". In case you're wondering, it's derived from the term "pass the buck" (pass the blame) in poker and was made famous by President Truman. For sheer failure of usage and lack of clarity, I'm putting this on the list.
  
• Shoot the breeze - I say this, but it's dumb. I know, I know. It's a cool, idiomatic expression to mean "just hanging out". But really, think about it: pure dumbness. Honestly, I say it simply because it does sound cool--I think of two old men, sitting on the front porch, in their rockers, holding a glass of whiskey and reminiscing about the war.
  
  
• Shoot to Thrill - Sorry, AC/DC. This one isn't cool.
  
• It's what's on the inside that counts - Yeah, sure. Is that why you're working out so hard, watching your diet, buying really cute clothes, and wearing makeup?
  
• That's nothing to sneeze at - Am I to deduce from this that there are things worth sneezing about? In all fairness, sneeze is derived from the Old English word "fneosan", which means to sneeze or snort. Thus implying that the possible truer meaning is "nothing to snort at", which makes a little more sense. However, that's not what the phrase's wording is now, so I can't excuse it.


• I'm so hungry I could eat a horse - I have never been this hungry. I know, that's the beauty of hyperbole, but if you're going to exaggerate, how about not using a big, ole, nasty farm animal. How about a house? Thereby removing all doubt that you might be exaggerating.

Popular Cliches and Why They Suck

I use a lot of cliches. Sometimes, they are appropriate, but usually, they are overused and ineffective.  Here is a sampling of some bad cliches that get under my skin. I bring logic, fierce wit, and of course a little self-righteousness, to tear these apart.

"Quitting Cold Turkey" - Hey! I happen to like cold turkey.

"Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time." - Well, people don't commit crimes because they don't think they can do the time. They commit them because they think they can get away with it.

"It's always darkest before the dawn." - Sure, this means that it's going to get worse before it gets better, or brighter days are just around the corner, but factually, it's just as dark right before dawn as it is at any other time. Midnight, 2 AM, 4 AM--all the same amount of darkness.

"He's in a better place now." - If you want to comfort a grieving friend, don't say this. It absolutely, 100% of the time does not help. A simple "I'm here for you" or "I love you so much" are appropriate.

"I'm so sorry for your loss." - See above. It's just overused, even if you're being sincere. It will automatically come across as being the exact opposite. Say the same thing only differently, "My deepest sympathy to you and yours; may he rest in peace." That's a little better. Actually, it's better to offer a meal or a hand around the house than words. A hug is nice, too.

"I could care less." - Actually, you couldn't. If you're truly that apathetic, you are already at your lowest level of caring. But more likely, you have been obsessing, thinking, and talking about whatever has you upset for a long time, which really seems contrary to the idea that you could or couldn't care less. Hey, I'm guilty of it, too. But these are the facts behind the words.

"Have a good day!" - Retail employees are admonished to say it, cordial co-workers feel obligated to say it, loved ones automatically say it. We all say it; but do we mean it? Even if you do, the weight of your intent is trumped by the triteness of your expression. Surely there's a better way to show concern and interest in the general and daily well-being of someone who is most likely a complete stranger. Although none are as succinct and easy to say. I see the dilemma now.

"It's plain to see." - If one more poem or song uses this, I will simply have to kill someone. Although, what bearing does their ineffective word usage have on me? None. But words are all I have. Well, that and mac and cheese. God forbid we run out of mac or cheese.

"It takes one to know one." - No, it just takes an intelligent, keen observer. Idiot.

"I was told" - This is less of a cliche and more of just an overused, annoying phrase that I hear a lot, especially at work. It takes the blame and responsibility off your shoulders by passively re-directing the source of your actions or thoughts. Usually said when just proven wrong or presented with something contrary to what you think to be true. It makes it sound like someone else should be responsible for what you do or believe, which is totally inaccurate, as long as people still have capable minds and free will. Just say "so and so taught me this way" (source of your knowledge) or "I interpreted it this way". Take responsibility.

"It goes without saying." - Who has ever, EVER said this in the history of all mankind and language without still saying?

"I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not." - None of the people who quote this actually mean it. It's usually insecure high school girls who are trying to justify the fact that some idiot guy ignores her. I'm just going to stop there because I could dissect this one for paragraphs.

"Good things come to those who wait." - Not always. Usually, good things come to those who lie, cheat, and steal. But in the interest of being more positive: good things come to those who try hard, work toward their goals, and actually put forth a daily effort into what they want to accomplish. Mediocre things come to those who wait. Or nothing at all comes to those who wait. I could go on.

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." - So, if my boss is being irrational or ignorant (let's just say), I'm supposed to...go make lemonade? Or, instead of being a smart ass, I'm supposed to "take the good and take the bad" and just "make the most of it"? I can't solve this without using more cliches! My solution is to just  to get a different job. I guess that would be like taking the lemons and throwing them at your boss? I don't know, I suck at making metaphors.

"Three's a crowd" - I always thought that was a good thing. You know, "the more the merrier". But whatever. I don't exactly like a crowd, but if someone says to me, upon my joining their twosome, "three's a crowd", I'd be like, "alright, we're set then!"

"Keep your nose to the grindstone." - Ew. That sounds gruesome.

"A watched pot never boils." - Well sure it does. Your triteness does not affect science. Come up with a better way to say "be patient" or "find something productive to do while you wait". How about, "be patient" or "find something productive to do while you wait"? Should I re-phrase this in the form of another metaphor? I already told you I'm no good at them.

"Dead as a doornail." - Alliteration aside, this is irrelevant because doornails are neither alive nor dead because they are inanimate objects. How about "dead as a dead person"? Oh, I guess that doesn't have quite the same analogical component since you're comparing death to death. Welp, I've got nothing then.

"Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." - You'd actually just float in the continuum of space, but I see your point. Metaphorically though this is poor because if you're desiring to become a doctor and you don't make good enough grades, you'll likely just end up in a nursing home wiping butts. Does that sound like the stars to you?

"Rules are made to be broken." - If you're an anarchist, you may be able to rationalize this one. Even if you're just a rebellious teenager, you might say this to justify breaking into a teacher's desk to get test answers. But anyone who actually makes rules does not want them to be broken. To get away from the judicial system, congress, police men, and corporate America, I'll use a more local example: family. You do not make rules for your children so that they may be broken. You may understand that they will be broken, but there will be ramifications; you do not set the rules in hopes that they will be broken. Only punk rockers and hackers use this cliche seriously.

"The bottom fell out." - This is a poor euphemism for raining because, to us, the sky is the top. Would it not make just as much sense to say, "the top fell through"?

"You only live once." - And what about those who believe in reincarnation? Do they say, "well, we're gonna get a do-over if we screw this up."?

"The greatest thing since sliced bread." - Oh, so nothing that has been invented since sliced bread is worthy enough to replace this expression? It's been 100 years. I'm pretty sure we can move on.

"Winning isn't everything."/"It's not who wins or loses, it's how you play the game." - False. Winning is the entire point of playing. If you wanted to just exercise your skills, go practice. Hippie.

"Today is my Friday." - Again, false. Today is your Thursday, just like everyone else; you just took Friday off. Is it not as exciting to say, "I'm off tomorrow!"? Sounds exciting to me.

"It's all hunky dory." - This just annoys me. I'm sorry, there's no other reason that really makes this bad, unless you include the fact that "hunky dory" sounds like it should be a synonym for incredibly dorky. Well, there you go, now there's more to it than my sheer annoyance.

"White in color." - Describing a shirt, a car, a house, any object that you might want to describe, by saying the color and then saying "in color" is wasteful and stupid. You don't sound smarter and you don't sound more descriptive. "It's a red 1999 Pontiac Sunfire." Well, yes, red is a color, but I'm having trouble understanding if you mean that it's red in color or in diameter. Please specify.

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How to Not Be An Idiot

It is not the smartest thing that I've done: composing a blog entry on a weekday night, when I have my alarm set for 5 am and my son will be up at 1 am to unnecessarily suckle at my teat (he's almost 1; the jig is up). So, the irony surrounding this entry's topic of how to not be an idiot is quite delicious. Let me educate you on this topic from my personal first-hand experience, as well as that of others. Because I know you don't want to be an idiot.

How to Not Be An Idiot

• Speak and Write English CORRECTLY - This is the number one way to not be an idiot. Even seemingly smart people can look moronic by confusing "your" with "you're". Other popular offenses include incorrect use of "its" vs "it's", the baffling three-way puzzler of "there", "their" and "they're", saying that you "seen" something yesterday, when really, you "saw" it, and apostrophe misusage that is off the charts (no, I don't want 2 slice's of pizza; I want 2 slices...). If English is your first language, it seems to me that you should have a working knowledge of it past 7th grade.

• Stop Being Oblivious -  Whether you're a pedestrian or a vehicilist, taking a mere second or two to scan an entire area prior to changing directions and cutting someone else off can do wonders. Now this may detract from changing the music on your radio/IPod, or from texting your hot man slice, or even thinking for a millisecond that the world doesn't revolve around you, but I promise it will just be a second. Realizing that others are around you before wildly pulling a cart out at the super market or before moseying out in front of 19 cars that are leaving the parking lot will make you seem much more decent and kind. And not an idiot.
• Traffic Etiquette - You most likely don't have enough room to pull out in front of me on the highway. I'm doing 50. You're doing zero. You suck at math. "Reasonable distance" has become far too subjective and if I have to put on my brakes to keep from rearending you, then it's not reasonable. Of course, you don't know that because once you pulled out, you don't so much as glance at your mirror to see me nearly careen into the back of your Lexus. But that's another reason I'm writing this--Public Service Announcement. Now you know that I'm not honking my horn to say hello. I'm honking to say that you're a dick.
• Know When to Stop - This may fall more under the category of "How to Not Be Annoying", but being annoying is often synonymous with being an idiot. If you've been told you possibly talk too much; if you constantly get shot down for dates because you're creepy; if you consistently bomb when you tell jokes; or you have been put in jail numerous times for the same offense, then you should probably stop. Stop all of that idiocy. Learn your biggest weakness, whether it's a minor faux pau or an actual crime, and put a cap on it. Really, being annoying is synonymous with being an idiot. My annoying habit? Writing lists about how much I hate stuff.
• Don't Talk Out of Your Butt - You probably don't realize it, but you don't know everything. Disputing every fact that anyone states or randomly giving out information you believe to be correct is not only annoying, but it's really stupid. Nobody likes that. Know-it-all is pretty much a fancy term for idiot. The worst part is that you always think you really are right. There is no arguing for the sake of arguing or simply sharing information. You actually believe with all your heart and mind that you are right about any and every topic. The reality is that people very adamantly disagree with you all the time and very often prove you wrong. For some reason though, you don't get the hint--and no one likes you. Unless you have an actual source to quote or something right in front of you, consider prefacing your stories with "I think..." or "I'm not entirely sure, but I believe" or "I may be wrong, but". You'll be more likable! And less of an idiot.
  
  I am stopping at five entries for fear of seeming too negative and angry. A little bitter sarcasm never hurt anyone! Oh, sure it has, but no time for semantics. The blog entry is ending! Who says entry? I'm so unhip. Well, I hope this has been educational and fun. I know it has been writing it. Peace.