Platitudes and Parenthood

 May 8th, 2010. I unceremoniously peed on a stick that Saturday morning. I had received a negative response not even a week before and only took another one to satisfy the skepticism of my family. Without anticipation or eagerness, I routinely held the test out. I expected nothing. However, a mere ten seconds into my wait, the word "PREGNANT" flashed onto the screen. It might as well have said Complete Utter Devastation, but I don't think that would have fit. Shocked and horrified, I ran out to the front yard of my dad and step-mom's house (leaving the toilet unflushed) and, in tears, embraced my family. What about my life? What about what I want to do? Why did this happen? Why me? This isn't fair! As I sobbed uncontrollably, my dad and step-mom stopped setting up their yard sale to comfort me. My dad broke the somber moment: "Is that pee on the stick?"

Some 19 months later, I have the happiest, sweetest, cutest boy and through the tears, messes, diapers, breastfeeding ups and downs, inexplicable screaming fits, and thousands of dollars, I have come out the other side surprisingly okay. Alex will be 1 year old on January 8th and I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Baby's first year is basically like mommy boot camp. I think I survived okay. He's taught me patience, unconditional love, and the joy of simple things. I've taught him peek-a-boo.

As a parent, you give up a lot. I gave up 3 inch pumps, sleeping all night, my own apartment, and sometimes, showering. I wanted to go to school, in addition to working, and live a fulfilling life of travel, philanthropy, writing, and lots and lots of music. I was going to learn Spanish and take guitar lessons. Get my Masters. Move to California. I had a grand to-do list and a child wasn't on it.

Instead of pursuing all these things full force and living a rich, romantic, selfish life, I now look forward to the biggest, most sincere grin of a loving, sweet child at the end of a long day. I cuddle with him at night as we're falling asleep. I see the look of wonder on his face as he learns how to turn the TV on and off. The look of mischief as he races up the stairs, but pauses long enough to see if I've noticed. The intense concentration as he flexes his motor skills. I gave up my dream life, but I wouldn't trade the one I got for anything.

For all you soon-to-be parents and those who want a family some day, it's everything you hear. It's awful and wonderful. You fall in love with them as newborns, you overcome the hard days, you learn a lot along the way. You will hear the same trite expressions over and over. The same words of wisdom will be repeated often. Nothing ever prepares you (that's another one) and sometimes you just have to do what you think is right, not what your mom or the Doctor or the book says. The good thing though is that it's a daily thing. You don't have to learn 18 years worth of knowledge in 9 months of pregnancy. That's also the horrible part. I'm a big "learn it all in advance" kind of person. Read the instructions, figure it out before doing it. Another thing Alex has taught me: spontaneity. Live in the moment. It's better that way. You can't control a child, anyway. You can only guide them.

Well, I've still got about 17 years--and the rest of his life. I still want to purse all the other goals and dreams that I have, but I'm a mom now, and Alex comes first. And that's just the way I like it.